I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
