i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
