I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
