Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Let's get the cat blown out
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
