I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
