What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We got so high we made milksteak
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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