i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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