just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
