I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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