Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
