I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
a search helicopter?!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
