you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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