i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize