Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
