if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize