I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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