ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
