I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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