I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
