Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize