Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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