I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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