Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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