Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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