I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
