watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
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