On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
