It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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