"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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