i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
