1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
