Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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