Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
