my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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