I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
