So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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