matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
