I didn't shave. On purpose
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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