Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
