he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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