i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize