I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
