Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize