we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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