Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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