I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
