Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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