Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
