I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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