he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I puked a lego.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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