dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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