whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
