Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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