i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
And then he peed in my hair
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