You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
