Umm I'm too high to move.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
