Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
