I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
