I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
