just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
