Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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