I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize