Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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