Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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