Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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