from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize