She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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