she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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