dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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